Detached

With Lilli, Hope, and Jacob I felt a sense of attachment to them as soon as I saw the positive on the test. I knew that there was a chance that something could happen to the pregnancies, but I just never really FELT that anything would go wrong. I immediately felt their presence in my life.

In May I never felt connected to the baby. I loved it. I wanted it. And I was totally excited, but not connected. This time I felt the immediate connection. Then somewhere between week 4 and 5 I started to feel disconnected from it. Then on Thursday hearing the news of my progesterone levels being low I detached even more. I want this baby. My desire is for God to deliver a happy healthy baby in about 7 1/2 months, but the reality that there is just as much chance that it won't happen as there is that it will has caused me to detach.

I wish I knew how this chapter would end. I would love to know how to move on either way, but I know that is not life and I need to wait for time to tell.

5 weeks 4ish days

When I found out that I was pregnant this time I decided that I would be positive and not worry about having another miscarriage until I had a reason to be something other than positive. I went in at 4 weeks and had my blood work done. They called me back early the next morning and told me that everything looked good, but they wanted to do another blood test the next week 8-21 to ensure that my levels had increased appropriately.

I went in Tuesday and expected another early morning phone call on Wednesday. Wednesday came and went and I hadn't heard anything. So, here I am just over 5 weeks pregnant wondering why I haven't heard from my Dr. So, Thursday early afternoon I call to see if my results are in. After what felt like forever I got a call from my nurse who told me that my levels had risen appropriately, but that my progesterone (a vital hormone for pregnancy) was only about half of what they expected it to be. Insert Holly and Chris freaking out, particularly because in May when I miscarried my progesterone was extremely low.

So, here I was on Thursday, 8-23, ready to write a post about how this part of pregnancy is, in some ways, the looooooooongest, because you don't "really" look or feel pregnant yet and it is a waiting game. As soon as I got the news about my progesterone all of that went out the window. I could no longer think about that.

There is a rational part of me that knows that I should be positive and not panic, but then there is another part of me that realizes this could end in a devastating outcome, because if I lose another baby I will be devastated. It's hard enough right now to keep my head up on a daily basis and nothing has happened yet, but to lose another little one would break my heart. 

I don't know how to get through the next few weeks as I wait to see what will happen. I won't have blood work done or see my midwife until September 13th. I hope I make it there.

7 Days Later...

It has been a week since I found out that I am pregnant. Since then I have pretty much told the world. I thought a lot about waiting, but honestly I was so excited that I didn't think that I could keep it in any longer! I was never cautious when I was pregnant with Lilli, Hope or Jacob. I told everyone right away, but in May when I found out I was pregnant I became very cautious about telling people. In my mind I knew that it was something different for me. I think my intuition was keenly aware that it wasn't going to last. So, when Chris and I decided to start trying again I told myself that when I became pregnant again I would throw caution to the wind and let it out right away. I realize that something could still happen. I know that I could have just told everyone and be hurt if I lose this baby, but I've decided that this baby, no matter how long or short of a life it has ahead of it, deserves to be praised as the blessing that it is.

 I am determined to be excited until I have a reason not to be excited. This is not to say that I don't have my concerns. I worry, but I am trying to be positive. I've taken about 8 pregnancy tests, which keep getting darker, which makes me feel better. I went on Tuesday, August 14th to have blood work done. So far my hormone levels are where they are supposed to be. My midwife, Jonnie, wants to recheck my levels next week to be sure that they continue to go up. Until then all of my fingers and toes will be crossed and I will be saying lots of prayers.

It's been a while...

In May I found out I was pregnant. I was very excited and happily expecting #4. Unfortunately at 6.5 weeks (5-24-12) I miscarried our little angel. Chris and I were devastated. The whole experience was unforgettable and more difficult than I would have imagined it to be. At the appointment that was supposed to be my 8 week check up (my first OB appointment) Chris and I went in to discuss our options for moving forward. My Midwife strongly suggested that I allow my body to fully heal itself by waiting for 2 monthly cycles before getting pregnant again. I was very disappointed at the prospect of waiting that long, but I wanted to do what was best for our family. I wanted to give myself the best chance of getting pregnant and staying pregnant. So, Chris and I made the decision to listen to our Midwife and wait. Luckily my first period came right on time about 4 weeks after the miscarriage, which gave us a good idea as to when we would be able to start trying again.

One month passed as we busied ourselves with summer activities. Then before we knew it the second month passed and it was time to try again. We were determined not to put too much pressure on ourselves and to not make it a stressful thing. So, we didn't talk about trying. We didn't talk about when it was time. We just let nature take its course.

I'll be honest, I tried so hard to be patient. I tried so hard not to stress myself out about if I was or was not pregnant, and for the most part I was successful. I was resigned to be happy with whatever the outcome. Despite the logical side of me that knows that its best to wait to take a test until you miss your period or at the very least right before you miss your period I wanted to take one as soon as the box said it was possible to get a positive. So, on 8-7 I convinced myself to take a test.....of course it being 6 days before my period it was NEGATIVE.... I was ok. I figured it would be. I allowed myself to take one on 8-8, because 5 days before didn't seem too terribly early, and of course it was again negative. I made myself wait until this morning, 8-9 4 days before my missed period.

So, this morning I popped out of bed. Rushed to the bathroom and waited for my results. At first it looked very negative, but then I looked closer with my Sherlock Holmes eye and there was the faintest of faint lines. In that moment I knew. I must have looked at that test 100 times trying to convince myself that I wasn't imagining that I saw the second line. I knew I wasn't crazy. I knew what it meant. I knew that I saw it. So, I told Chris, and about 4 hours after I took the first test I took another. After only 4 hours the line got darker and was definitely there! Definitely visible!!!

So, today I am PREGNANT!!! And I am so excited. I have never felt more blessed. I know that it's early, and that I need to be careful, because things could still go wrong, but today I have decided not to stress myself out about things I can't control and just enjoy every minute that I am allowed to enjoy the blessing that is this 5th pregnancy, and hopefully baby #4!!!!!

Happy Birthday, Jacob!

-Happy Birthday to my Son-

On the eve of your second birthday I find myself reminiscing about the night before you were born. There was so much to do. So many things to prepare. I was anxious and a little nervous, but when the time came everything was ready for your arrival, including Daddy and I.

I told your Daddy that I might not cry when I saw you. I told him that I would be so excited, but that often times when I would think tears would come they just wouldn’t. I didn’t want him to think that I wasn’t excited if I didn’t get all emotional. Well, the time came. I pushed so hard I was dizzy and lightheaded and then I got to meet you. As the nurses were cleaning you up I looked over at you, I listened to your cry, and I burst into tears. All I could say was, “Oh my God! Oh my God, Chris! That’s him!”  I was IN LOVE at first sight.

Fast forward 2 years: You have grown into such an amazing little guy! First, you take cute to a whole new level! Your eyes are piercing. Your hair is adorable. Your smile is breath taking. I know that I am biased, but you really must be as cute as I think that you are, because even men, young and old, stop me to tell me how unbelievably cute you are. You being cute is just an added bonus to all of the things that make you, you.

You, my little friend, are a talker. You speak and communicate better than most kids a year or more older than you. You and I have been carrying on full blown conversations for months now. If you want to say it you will figure out how to say it. You are brave! Let’s just say that you like to scare the crap out of your Daddy on a regular basis with your displays of bravery! You are independent. You are stubborn! You are completely clumsy! You hurt yourself all of the time. You have a terrible temper, which I have NO idea where you got! You love airplanes (airpains), helicopters (heck-a-cop-ters), motorcycles, flowers, Thomas the Tank Engine, Mickey Mouse, Clyde, fuzz, baseball, your sisters, your Daddy, dogs, cats, and ME! (and I love you MORE!)

What I love is hearing you say, “hold you, Mommy” “Lob you, too Mommy” “Look at me, Mommy!!” “I see an airpain!” “Up there! In the sky!”

I love that when I wake you up in the morning you pretend to be asleep and whisper, “shhhh, seepin!”

I love that you can count to about 13 all by yourself! You can say almost all of your ABC’s. You are kind. You like to share. You have a sense of humor! I mean, you truly have one. You know what things are funny, and you know why they are funny, which means that you do your best to insert those things into your daily life, especially if you think you are about to be in trouble for something!

I don’t really like it when you get mad. That temper I mentioned earlier gets you in a lot of trouble. You like to hit, scream, and bite when you get angry. And it is not hard to make you angry. As much as I love you, and always will, I hope that you grow out of that phase. In time you will learn that being quick to anger doesn’t help you or the people you care most about.

Jacob, I could not have imagined a more perfect son than you! I am so incredibly proud that I get to be your Mommy. I am so glad that I get to be the person to comfort you when you are hurt or sad! I am so happy to be there when you are happy. And I love sharing everyday with you! 

My Big Fat Wilkins Family

I grew up the baby of a baby. My Dad isn't the baby of just any family. He is the baby of the Wilkins family: the baby of 9: one of only 2 boys: 7 sisters. My family is big and extended. We love deeply and open our hearts to anyone and everyone. I have more cousins than I can count and many aunts/"aunts" and uncles/"uncles". You don't really have to be related by blood to be a member of our family. Pretty much anyone who is willing to put up with us will be welcomed in with open arms. 


I know everyday how blessed I am to have such a wonderful group of people that I call "family." I know beyond doubt that there will never be a day when my little family will go without a roof over our heads or food in our bellies, because there are so many wonderful people out there that would not let us go without. That is my family. I love them and I appreciate them, but sometimes having such a large family is hard. 


A couple weeks ago one of my cousins passed away. He had been fighting for a couple years, and eventually his body gave up. He did not give up. His body needed peace and I know that in his passing he was able to find peace. It is hard to think of our family without Charlie there to make us laugh and smile. 


Almost 2 years ago another one of my cousins passed away. She was young and vibrant and had a lot more life in her. Diane was a special person. She always made me feel special. Though I was a few years younger than her she never made me feel like I was just a kid. She had a beautiful smile and passed that on to her young Olivia. Her passing was sudden and tragic. 


All but one of my grandparents have passed away. We have lost other cousins, aunts and uncles. 


As wonderful as it is to have such a large family it also brings pain. And with the recent loss of Charlie, a bit of fear, because I know that in my lifetime I am going to lose many many people that I love. That I may not talk to everyday, but that make my life better just because they are alive and I know that they are there. It is truly scary to imagine, as the baby's baby, that I will quite possibly have to go through this time and again as my life moves forward. 

Don't get me wrong, my family is totally worth the sadness, because they bring so much more joy to life. 

Number Four

After Jacob was born Chris and I didn't waste any time realizing that we were just crazy enough to have another child! We talked and talk and I made the choice that we would not even consider trying until September 2011.....I'm really not sure when, but at some point we decided that we weren't going to try until January 2012.

Well, guess what?!?! I just looked at the calendar and we are only 3 days away from January 2012! Holy Crap!! It is time to start working on Number 4. We started numbering our kids after Jacob was born. Lilli is number 1, Hope is number 2, Jacob is number 3 and Number 4 remains to be seen. I can't wait to experience another child. Don't worry, there isn't one on the way yet! I'm not keeping any secrets here! I will keep ya posted on the journey to Number 4.

Boy?
Girl?

Really...I don't care, just as long as it's not a boy and a girl!!