Big Changes

Lillian, Hope, Jacob, Ryan, Chris, Holly... Big family undergoing big changes. Tomorrow I will be 28 weeks pregnant with Ryan. On Tuesday, January 15th I started having contractions and ended up in the hospital to have them stopped by medications. It was weird having something like that happen. I have always had a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, but not like that day. It was all day. Several times an hour. When the midwife monitored me in the office she picked up 6 contractions in 30 mins. That is a lot! If they had been stronger it would have been a good labor pattern, but they weren't and Ryan and I are still safely bonded together. It was weird going through it, but I wasn't fearful. God gave me peace and I knew everything would be ok. So far so good. 

We now have about 12 weeks, at most, to get things ready for his arrival. That isn't long at all! Time passes so quickly now. I'm happy to be pregnant and not in a hurry for it to be over with, which seems to make the time pass even faster than before. 

We started working around the house getting things in order. The first order of business was to split the girls up. They have shared a bedroom since Hope was born. They share everything! Toys, tv, movies, bedroom.... Everything! Lilli started to express an interest in having her own room and so last weekend we split them up and for the first time ever they are in separate rooms with their own tv's, their own clothes, their own toys...Everything separate. 

I was so worried about how they would do, but it's not them that has had any trouble with it. To me it is so weird to see them apart. It is so weird that they have grown enough that my little girls need their own space...away from one another. How did we get here? How did my babies turn into girls? And how are my girls growing up enough to need space from one another? 

I think that because of divorcing Ron, moving in with my parents, and then marrying Chris there is a division in my life. Everything is so much different than it was when they were born and when they were little girls. Sometimes it makes it feel like it was a different life, but it is all part of my life, and those same two little girls that were with me through it all are now two big girls making changes and growing on their own. AMAZING! 

A Growing Family

Today we travel to the great state of New York. Why, you ask? Because my one and only all time favorite brother is getting married in two days!! So, it is safe to say that our family is growing, and it's not just growing by one, but by much much more! You see, my new sister in law, Jenn, has a little boy named Charlie and a family of her own that in a special way will soon become part of our family.

Part of what makes this so exciting is that we have never met Jenn, Charlie, or any of her family. So, in less than 24 hours I will get to meet all of the new members of my family. I will get to spend time celebrating the wonderful gift of marriage with them.

Nervous? Why would you think I would be nervous? OHH because I have never met them before! I see what you are thinking, but I will tell you this, I am not at all nervous. You see, it has been years (lots and lots of years) since I have seen my brother so happy, and since I have seen him be more himself, which tells me that my new family is a special one. I haven't seen Jake more free to be himself in a long time, and I must say that it is incredible to see. So, if they, and I do mean all of them (Jenn, Charlie, her parents....), can make Jake feel that good and that comfortable then they are alright in my book.

Today we travel and we start the celebrations of new life through a new and growing family. And honestly, I CAN'T WAIT!!

Writer's Block

On September 15th I broke my hand and any intentions of blogging went right out of the window. Along with cooking for myself, cleaning, and a ton of other things. I feel like I have missed so many things. Hope turned 7!!! Our bun (in the oven) is a boy!!! His name will be Ryan Edward!! Jacob has been using the potty, but still refuses to tell us when he needs to go. He only goes when I take him, but it's progress and I will take it. 

Lilli is working hard in school. This year has been really rough for her. 3rd grade is when they start to actually test. She is learning her multiplication tables, science, and social studies. That girl is smart, but she doesn't learn as quickly as a lot of people. She has been working on her art work, which is awe inspiring. 

Hope is excellent! School is easy for her. She is the student that the teacher does nothing but rave about. She gets everything. Immediately. They are both becoming excellent little dancers. 

Jacob is Jacob... He is every thing that a 2 year old is supposed to be. Stubborn, hardheaded, fit throwing, but loving, caring, huggable and fun! For Halloween he dressed up as a Monster, and I told everyone that it was type casting, but in reality he is much more lover than monster. 

Baby Ryan is growing. My hormones are right where they are supposed to be. And he is definitely boy! I would have been thrilled either way, but another boy makes my heart leap!! 

It's been too long. I know I'm leaving a lot out, but I will catch up! 

What September Brings...

So, we are 10 days into September and it has already been a very very busy month. On the 13th I go to the Dr for my first OB appointment, and I am really excited. I am very tired most of the time and have days where I feel nauseous all day long. I've stopped worrying so much about the "what ifs" and have been focusing more on the future, which is nice. Seeing the baby and hearing its heartbeat on Thursday will be such a blessing, and if all is well will alleviate a lot of stress from this tired Mommy. So far I've gained a few pounds, but I'm trying not to focus on that and just work out when I can and try to eat the right things, although vegetables make me want to hurrle!

September started off really well. Chris had a 4 day weekend, which was awesome! He is always a happier camper when he gets a break from work. We spent the weekend enjoying our family. On Saturday, Christina called with the news that John had won a limo for the day through his work, and they invited us to go with them in the limo to Chuck E Cheese and to get ice cream. Well, let me tell you, if you let two girls Lilli and Hope's ages know about the possibility of spending the evening riding around in a limo you don't say no!! It was "the best night of our lives" according to them! I love having the opportunity to make those kinds of memories with them.

The girls are on week 4 or 5 of dance and they are loving it and doing so well! They are both so in to it that they actually pay attention in class! Go figure, right?!?!

Jacob is still Jacob. A bit unruly at times, but always cute and lovable. His new thing is asking (in a very dramatic voice with his hands at his sides palms up) "why?!?!?!?!" He also rarely calls me "Mommy" anymore. I am now "Jacob's Mommy." So, all day I hear, "Jacob's Mommy can you do this....? Jacob's Mommy can you do that.....? Jacob's Mommy can you get Jacob this....?"

Win, lose or draw... Life is good!

Detached

With Lilli, Hope, and Jacob I felt a sense of attachment to them as soon as I saw the positive on the test. I knew that there was a chance that something could happen to the pregnancies, but I just never really FELT that anything would go wrong. I immediately felt their presence in my life.

In May I never felt connected to the baby. I loved it. I wanted it. And I was totally excited, but not connected. This time I felt the immediate connection. Then somewhere between week 4 and 5 I started to feel disconnected from it. Then on Thursday hearing the news of my progesterone levels being low I detached even more. I want this baby. My desire is for God to deliver a happy healthy baby in about 7 1/2 months, but the reality that there is just as much chance that it won't happen as there is that it will has caused me to detach.

I wish I knew how this chapter would end. I would love to know how to move on either way, but I know that is not life and I need to wait for time to tell.

5 weeks 4ish days

When I found out that I was pregnant this time I decided that I would be positive and not worry about having another miscarriage until I had a reason to be something other than positive. I went in at 4 weeks and had my blood work done. They called me back early the next morning and told me that everything looked good, but they wanted to do another blood test the next week 8-21 to ensure that my levels had increased appropriately.

I went in Tuesday and expected another early morning phone call on Wednesday. Wednesday came and went and I hadn't heard anything. So, here I am just over 5 weeks pregnant wondering why I haven't heard from my Dr. So, Thursday early afternoon I call to see if my results are in. After what felt like forever I got a call from my nurse who told me that my levels had risen appropriately, but that my progesterone (a vital hormone for pregnancy) was only about half of what they expected it to be. Insert Holly and Chris freaking out, particularly because in May when I miscarried my progesterone was extremely low.

So, here I was on Thursday, 8-23, ready to write a post about how this part of pregnancy is, in some ways, the looooooooongest, because you don't "really" look or feel pregnant yet and it is a waiting game. As soon as I got the news about my progesterone all of that went out the window. I could no longer think about that.

There is a rational part of me that knows that I should be positive and not panic, but then there is another part of me that realizes this could end in a devastating outcome, because if I lose another baby I will be devastated. It's hard enough right now to keep my head up on a daily basis and nothing has happened yet, but to lose another little one would break my heart. 

I don't know how to get through the next few weeks as I wait to see what will happen. I won't have blood work done or see my midwife until September 13th. I hope I make it there.

7 Days Later...

It has been a week since I found out that I am pregnant. Since then I have pretty much told the world. I thought a lot about waiting, but honestly I was so excited that I didn't think that I could keep it in any longer! I was never cautious when I was pregnant with Lilli, Hope or Jacob. I told everyone right away, but in May when I found out I was pregnant I became very cautious about telling people. In my mind I knew that it was something different for me. I think my intuition was keenly aware that it wasn't going to last. So, when Chris and I decided to start trying again I told myself that when I became pregnant again I would throw caution to the wind and let it out right away. I realize that something could still happen. I know that I could have just told everyone and be hurt if I lose this baby, but I've decided that this baby, no matter how long or short of a life it has ahead of it, deserves to be praised as the blessing that it is.

 I am determined to be excited until I have a reason not to be excited. This is not to say that I don't have my concerns. I worry, but I am trying to be positive. I've taken about 8 pregnancy tests, which keep getting darker, which makes me feel better. I went on Tuesday, August 14th to have blood work done. So far my hormone levels are where they are supposed to be. My midwife, Jonnie, wants to recheck my levels next week to be sure that they continue to go up. Until then all of my fingers and toes will be crossed and I will be saying lots of prayers.