Scared...

In the midst of my life I realized recently that I was due for my yearly GYN visit. Exciting! Right? I know you're jealous. I've had a weird feeling about this appointment since I realized that it was coming up. I figured, and still do, that my nerves were just a result of the nature of the appointment, past scares, and having to find and go to a new doctor since we have moved to a new area. 


Abnormal Pap....I've had them before and had to have a procedure done....that's what I've expected to hear, but so far no word on the pap from last week. Hopefully no news is good news. Instead what I hear is that I need to have diagnostic testing done on my breasts... Appropriate, given its Breast Cancer Awareness month. The PA told me not to worry. I just have lumpy breasts. She wants to do an ultrasound. Expect everything to be normal. For the past week I have had comfort in those words until today.


 I finally got someone on the phone from the hospital's scheduling department. She schedules me and I move on. About an hour after talking with her she calls back. "I'm sorry, we have to reschedule you. The doctor ordered both a mammogram and and ultrasound. We need to reschedule for a time when you can do both together." 


I need a mammogram?!? I'm 31 and I need a mammogram? The rational side of me tells me that I am ok...That everything will be ok, but the emotional side of me is scared to death. Everyday I am faced with how fleeting life can be. Today I read about a beautiful 7 year old who passed away this morning from a brain tumor. If she can have a brain tumor diagnosed at age 5 and be gone at 7 then what makes me any different? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that scares me. 


I am so grateful for my life, for my family, and for all the many blessings that I have been given, but right now I am scared...

Hold my hand...

Jacob grabbed my hand today and I felt alive. His soft skin is so sweet and warm. Hope smiled at me today and I felt alive. Her sweet face beaming with beauty and life. Lilli laughed today and I felt alive. Her infectious nature that captures everyone that meets her comes through even in the wee hours of the morning.

I remember when Lilli was born thinking how strange it was that I couldn't tell what she would look like when she was older. I look at her now and I can see the little squishy nose of my first baby, and I can see the soft cheeks that I used to stroke. I can see what she was in what she is, but I can't see forward. 

I don't know where I'm going with this...

Let's start simple...

I've contemplated starting a blog for quite some time now for many of the same reasons that others do. I want to have a way to document my life with my husband and children, I want to keep friends and family up to date with what we are doing, I want to have a "diary" to look back on.....

I think one of the reasons why I haven't started to blog before tonight is fear. I have read so many blogs that started or ended in personal tragedy that I fear mine could be the same. I know that's totally irrational, but the thought has crossed my mind. I also fear what people will say about it, think about it, or that no one will care enough to ever read it.

So, I am putting all of those fears aside and jumping in. I'm Holly. I am married to a wonderful man (Chris) and I have three great kids (Lillian, Hope, and Jacob)! As things stand for the time being I am a Domestic Goddess! :) I get paid a huge salary of love, support, hugs, kisses and the occasional nose pick from Jacob! I go to Troy University and, THANK GOD, am almost done with my Master's degree in Adult Education. Please don't ask what I am going to do with it, because Chris and I have both come to the conclusion that we have no idea!!!

I'd have to say that most of what you will be reading will be about those 4 people I mentioned above. So, I'm gonna stop talking about me and talk about them a little! Chris, my attorney husband :), has helped to complete my world. I am so proud of him, because he works very hard for our family and loves us beyond recognition. And then there were three....Lilli came first. She's 7, and we call her #1! Hope, the big surprise, aka Little Diva, came second. She's 6, and we call her #2. Jacob is the baby. He's 17 months, and surprise surprise we call him #3! There are plans in the works for a #4. So, stay tuned for details. And believe it or not I can count. I do know that will be 4 kids. I do know that is a lot of work. And God willing, we are doing it anyways! :)

I'm not really sure if that was a simple start or not, but there it is.