Happy Birthday, Ryan!

Dearest Ryan-

I cannot believe that in the matter of a couple hours you will be 1 year old. Your Dad and I knew shortly after your brother was born that there would be a you. We didn’t know who you would be, but we knew that our family was not yet complete. I loved every minute of being pregnant with you. I carried you around with a sacred pride. It was emotional, trying, and even a little scary at times, but I knew that I needed to cherish every minute of it. And then late at night on April 16^th you arrived…

I still vividly remember my first glimpse of you as the Midwife delivered you. You were so tiny. So much more than I had expected. You were perfectly tiny and perfectly mine. In that moment I went from loving you to being completely, overwhelmingly in love with you.

This past year with you has been amazing. I remember shortly after you were born reading a parenting article that talked about new babies not actually loving their parents, because they don’t have the context or capacity for love, yet. I read that article in a post partum haze feeling like the wind had been taken from me, and I joked to your Dad and to anyone who would listen that I was going to make you love me. I would say, “he may not love me now, but I’m going to make him love me. You will love me, Monkey Man.” I know it’s silly. I never doubted that you would love me, but I was on a mission from that point forward, and boy did I succeed. Thank. God.

As of one year old, you crawl like it’s nobody’s business. Just this week you started pulling up to your feet. Just today you climbed the stairs on your own. You don’t really “talk,” but you like to say “uh oh!” over and over again, which I could hear all day and not get tired of. You babble, a lot. You have a sense of humor, which Daddy and I take great pride in. You know how to capture people’s attention, and you make sure to do that everywhere we go. You are the most easy going baby I have ever known, and it is rare that you get upset, but when you do the world better watch out, because you are not above yelling and hitting. You have recently discovered that you can bite my shoulder when I’m holding you, and you think it is so funny. You have the most incredible smile and big bright eyes. You may have the best smile I’ve ever seen, and my little Monkey Man that says a lot, because you’re brother and sisters are stiff competition.

Speaking of your brother and sisters, they adore you and you them.

I feel like I could fill a book with all of the things I want to say to you, but I guess I can save that for another birthday. Just know that tonight as I laid you in your bed for the last time before this monumental birthday I kissed your head, told you I loved you, and I couldn’t believe that it was the last night I would lay you in bed as a baby. BUT, I have news for you kid, you will always be my baby, even when you are old and forty.

So, tomorrow when you wake up I will do everything I can to make sure that you know you are loved beyond measure, and that you continue to grow into the happy person I wish you to be for the rest of your life.

-Mommy

Six Months Down.

Ryan, today you are 6 months old. You are half way to your first birthday, and I don't know where the time has gone. I've noticed recently that you aren't so tiny anymore. You look huge when I put you in your swing, which you love by the way and sleep in everyday at nap time. You are such an amazing little person, but Mommy is really having a hard time with you already being 6 months. 

It's not that I don't want you to grow. I really do. I love watching you develop into your own person, but you see, you're my baby. You are my last baby and I want to savor every second of you still being a baby. Your brother and sisters have already grown. They are so independent, but you still need me for so much. I know you will always need me and you will ALWAYS be my baby. I just can't believe that this part of my life is over and completed, but you, little man, have completed it so well. 

You are darn near perfect. So happy and content. You have such a good personality. You laugh and are playful, and you hardly every cry. You like to "talk", which means that you yell and screech a lot!  Ryan, you and I are inseparable and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wake you up most every morning and I put in your bed almost every night. As I leave your room I make sure to tell you how much I love you. 

Until today you ate only breast milk, and I am very proud of that milestone. This evening Daddy and I gave you solid food for the first time, oatmeal. You seemed to really like it. Actually, I think that you did better than your brother or sisters did their first time. Although, they all started solid food at 4 months. I think that waiting was good for you and I'm glad that we did. I hope to nurse you until you're 1. Mostly because I know it's best for you, you won't take a bottle, and it's cheaper, but really I love having that connection to you and being the one who nourishes you. 

So far you can't sit up on your own, but that's ok I know you will. You roll from side to side, and although you don't crawl yet you can scoot yourself all around when you are on the floor. You smile at yourself in the mirror and respond to your name. Your face becomes very serious when Daddy and I try to get you to say "Mama" or "Dada." I swear you study everything you see. You definitely take in the world around you. You don't have any teeth yet, but again, that is ok. I know that they are coming, and if you are anything like your brother you will be trying to bite my finger off before long. For now you are in 3-6 month clothes and size 3 diapers. You have big feet and dark blond to light brown hair, which is so hard to see that you look bald unless you are super close. 

Someone told me recently that the better a baby sleeps is an indication of higher intelligence. I don't know if that is true or not, but if it is then baby you are brilliant! 

I'm sure that there are a thousand things that I have left out, but for now just know that I love you and I am so excited for the next 6 months and beyond, but can we please just slow it all down a tad? 

Ryan, My Little Monkey Man

Written September 16th, 2013

Five months ago today I was 39 weeks pregnant wondering when I would meet the little man living inside of me. I woke up having no idea that it would be the day. I went to the gym and had an appointment with my mid-wife. After baby number one it is apparently difficult to tell what progress means. I had progressed from the week before, but that didn't mean anything...it could happen today or it could be a week or two. So, I went on my way. I sent out the usual text message to update everyone who wanted to know. I went home. I picked up Jacob. We went to the grocery store. We played. He napped. The girls came home. (Such a normal day for me.) I rushed around getting the girls ready for dance, getting homework done, and doing all of my usual Tuesday afternoon things. 

I may have 4 kids, but before that day I had no idea what it felt like to go into labor. I was induced all three previous times, and hoped and prayed that I would not be induced with Ryan. That afternoon in the midst of all of my normal business I noticed I was having contractions. But hey! I have contractions all of the time. So, I take Lilli to dance, contractions. I take the rest of the kids home. Contractions. I pick Lilli up and drop Hope off for dance. Contractions. I go to the grocery store. Contractions. I take Lilli home. Contractions. At this point Chris was home and helping out, but still contractions. We got dinner ready, sorta. I went to pick Hope up from dance. Contractions. (If you were wondering, I was having contractions all of this time, but they didn't hurt. They were just contractions.) All this while I was back and forth on the phone with my Mom. "Am I in labor? I don't know. I've never done this before. But it doesn't hurt." ECT... 

At this point I go home. Contractions. Maybe it's time to get out my handy cell phone and use that nifty contraction timer. So, I sit down. I keep track for about 40 minutes. Sure enough every 2-6 minutes I was having contractions, but they still didn't really hurt. I call the mid-wife. Contractions. "Are you contracting now?" "Yes." "Your voice isn't changing while your having them. Maybe its just irritation from the exam this morning. I'm at the hospital if they continue or get worse just come on up." "Ok."

So, maybe I'm not in labor. Contractions. I call my Mom. We go back and forth. "Ok Chris. Its 9 pm and I'm still having contractions. Let's pack up and go to the hospital. If this isn't labor then I don't know what is." We pack our bags and call our friends across the street. We get all of the kids in bed (I carried Jacob upstairs) and tucked him in. I make Chris coffee while he finishes packing. CONTRACTIONS that are now starting to hurt. Yup I can feel that. But hey, let's stop by CVS. We need snacks. Ok, this definitely hurts now. I make some more phone calls. I let everyone know that I'm going to the hospital. My parents are on their way. My Mom makes it clear that I better not have this baby before she gets there. We call my mother-in-law. She can't get off work. She won't be able to be there. :( 

Ok guys. I have to get off the phone. This shit hurts! All checked in. I walk the long hallway down to the labor and delivery room, because walking felt better than sitting in the wheel chair. I went to the bathroom. I changed. I laid down and they check me. Eyes get big! "Um, your 8-9 with a buldging bag of water!" More nurses flood in, my mid-wife is by my side. (Of course, Chris is there through all of this helping me and comforting me.) It is then that I realize that I will not be able to get an epidural. I HAVE to do this on my own. And then I realized that my parents won't make it in time. 

Shortly after that my water breaks and within 15 minutes I got to meet the little angel that is now 5 months old. He was so tiny, by far smaller than any of our other kids, weighing in at 6 lbs 14 oz. Honestly, he looked kinda funny at first, but I was in love. He melts me. 

Fast forward to today... He is 5 months old. He laughs. He smiles. He sleeps through the night. He grabs things and passes them from hand to hand. He rolls over. He "talks" to me when he wants my attention. He will bat at me when he wants my attention. He is teething. He is the happiest and most content baby I have ever known, and we love him more and more everyday, if that is possible. 

Big Changes

Lillian, Hope, Jacob, Ryan, Chris, Holly... Big family undergoing big changes. Tomorrow I will be 28 weeks pregnant with Ryan. On Tuesday, January 15th I started having contractions and ended up in the hospital to have them stopped by medications. It was weird having something like that happen. I have always had a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, but not like that day. It was all day. Several times an hour. When the midwife monitored me in the office she picked up 6 contractions in 30 mins. That is a lot! If they had been stronger it would have been a good labor pattern, but they weren't and Ryan and I are still safely bonded together. It was weird going through it, but I wasn't fearful. God gave me peace and I knew everything would be ok. So far so good. 

We now have about 12 weeks, at most, to get things ready for his arrival. That isn't long at all! Time passes so quickly now. I'm happy to be pregnant and not in a hurry for it to be over with, which seems to make the time pass even faster than before. 

We started working around the house getting things in order. The first order of business was to split the girls up. They have shared a bedroom since Hope was born. They share everything! Toys, tv, movies, bedroom.... Everything! Lilli started to express an interest in having her own room and so last weekend we split them up and for the first time ever they are in separate rooms with their own tv's, their own clothes, their own toys...Everything separate. 

I was so worried about how they would do, but it's not them that has had any trouble with it. To me it is so weird to see them apart. It is so weird that they have grown enough that my little girls need their own space...away from one another. How did we get here? How did my babies turn into girls? And how are my girls growing up enough to need space from one another? 

I think that because of divorcing Ron, moving in with my parents, and then marrying Chris there is a division in my life. Everything is so much different than it was when they were born and when they were little girls. Sometimes it makes it feel like it was a different life, but it is all part of my life, and those same two little girls that were with me through it all are now two big girls making changes and growing on their own. AMAZING! 

A Growing Family

Today we travel to the great state of New York. Why, you ask? Because my one and only all time favorite brother is getting married in two days!! So, it is safe to say that our family is growing, and it's not just growing by one, but by much much more! You see, my new sister in law, Jenn, has a little boy named Charlie and a family of her own that in a special way will soon become part of our family.

Part of what makes this so exciting is that we have never met Jenn, Charlie, or any of her family. So, in less than 24 hours I will get to meet all of the new members of my family. I will get to spend time celebrating the wonderful gift of marriage with them.

Nervous? Why would you think I would be nervous? OHH because I have never met them before! I see what you are thinking, but I will tell you this, I am not at all nervous. You see, it has been years (lots and lots of years) since I have seen my brother so happy, and since I have seen him be more himself, which tells me that my new family is a special one. I haven't seen Jake more free to be himself in a long time, and I must say that it is incredible to see. So, if they, and I do mean all of them (Jenn, Charlie, her parents....), can make Jake feel that good and that comfortable then they are alright in my book.

Today we travel and we start the celebrations of new life through a new and growing family. And honestly, I CAN'T WAIT!!

Writer's Block

On September 15th I broke my hand and any intentions of blogging went right out of the window. Along with cooking for myself, cleaning, and a ton of other things. I feel like I have missed so many things. Hope turned 7!!! Our bun (in the oven) is a boy!!! His name will be Ryan Edward!! Jacob has been using the potty, but still refuses to tell us when he needs to go. He only goes when I take him, but it's progress and I will take it. 

Lilli is working hard in school. This year has been really rough for her. 3rd grade is when they start to actually test. She is learning her multiplication tables, science, and social studies. That girl is smart, but she doesn't learn as quickly as a lot of people. She has been working on her art work, which is awe inspiring. 

Hope is excellent! School is easy for her. She is the student that the teacher does nothing but rave about. She gets everything. Immediately. They are both becoming excellent little dancers. 

Jacob is Jacob... He is every thing that a 2 year old is supposed to be. Stubborn, hardheaded, fit throwing, but loving, caring, huggable and fun! For Halloween he dressed up as a Monster, and I told everyone that it was type casting, but in reality he is much more lover than monster. 

Baby Ryan is growing. My hormones are right where they are supposed to be. And he is definitely boy! I would have been thrilled either way, but another boy makes my heart leap!! 

It's been too long. I know I'm leaving a lot out, but I will catch up! 

What September Brings...

So, we are 10 days into September and it has already been a very very busy month. On the 13th I go to the Dr for my first OB appointment, and I am really excited. I am very tired most of the time and have days where I feel nauseous all day long. I've stopped worrying so much about the "what ifs" and have been focusing more on the future, which is nice. Seeing the baby and hearing its heartbeat on Thursday will be such a blessing, and if all is well will alleviate a lot of stress from this tired Mommy. So far I've gained a few pounds, but I'm trying not to focus on that and just work out when I can and try to eat the right things, although vegetables make me want to hurrle!

September started off really well. Chris had a 4 day weekend, which was awesome! He is always a happier camper when he gets a break from work. We spent the weekend enjoying our family. On Saturday, Christina called with the news that John had won a limo for the day through his work, and they invited us to go with them in the limo to Chuck E Cheese and to get ice cream. Well, let me tell you, if you let two girls Lilli and Hope's ages know about the possibility of spending the evening riding around in a limo you don't say no!! It was "the best night of our lives" according to them! I love having the opportunity to make those kinds of memories with them.

The girls are on week 4 or 5 of dance and they are loving it and doing so well! They are both so in to it that they actually pay attention in class! Go figure, right?!?!

Jacob is still Jacob. A bit unruly at times, but always cute and lovable. His new thing is asking (in a very dramatic voice with his hands at his sides palms up) "why?!?!?!?!" He also rarely calls me "Mommy" anymore. I am now "Jacob's Mommy." So, all day I hear, "Jacob's Mommy can you do this....? Jacob's Mommy can you do that.....? Jacob's Mommy can you get Jacob this....?"

Win, lose or draw... Life is good!