Scared...

In the midst of my life I realized recently that I was due for my yearly GYN visit. Exciting! Right? I know you're jealous. I've had a weird feeling about this appointment since I realized that it was coming up. I figured, and still do, that my nerves were just a result of the nature of the appointment, past scares, and having to find and go to a new doctor since we have moved to a new area. 


Abnormal Pap....I've had them before and had to have a procedure done....that's what I've expected to hear, but so far no word on the pap from last week. Hopefully no news is good news. Instead what I hear is that I need to have diagnostic testing done on my breasts... Appropriate, given its Breast Cancer Awareness month. The PA told me not to worry. I just have lumpy breasts. She wants to do an ultrasound. Expect everything to be normal. For the past week I have had comfort in those words until today.


 I finally got someone on the phone from the hospital's scheduling department. She schedules me and I move on. About an hour after talking with her she calls back. "I'm sorry, we have to reschedule you. The doctor ordered both a mammogram and and ultrasound. We need to reschedule for a time when you can do both together." 


I need a mammogram?!? I'm 31 and I need a mammogram? The rational side of me tells me that I am ok...That everything will be ok, but the emotional side of me is scared to death. Everyday I am faced with how fleeting life can be. Today I read about a beautiful 7 year old who passed away this morning from a brain tumor. If she can have a brain tumor diagnosed at age 5 and be gone at 7 then what makes me any different? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that scares me. 


I am so grateful for my life, for my family, and for all the many blessings that I have been given, but right now I am scared...