Detached

With Lilli, Hope, and Jacob I felt a sense of attachment to them as soon as I saw the positive on the test. I knew that there was a chance that something could happen to the pregnancies, but I just never really FELT that anything would go wrong. I immediately felt their presence in my life.

In May I never felt connected to the baby. I loved it. I wanted it. And I was totally excited, but not connected. This time I felt the immediate connection. Then somewhere between week 4 and 5 I started to feel disconnected from it. Then on Thursday hearing the news of my progesterone levels being low I detached even more. I want this baby. My desire is for God to deliver a happy healthy baby in about 7 1/2 months, but the reality that there is just as much chance that it won't happen as there is that it will has caused me to detach.

I wish I knew how this chapter would end. I would love to know how to move on either way, but I know that is not life and I need to wait for time to tell.

5 weeks 4ish days

When I found out that I was pregnant this time I decided that I would be positive and not worry about having another miscarriage until I had a reason to be something other than positive. I went in at 4 weeks and had my blood work done. They called me back early the next morning and told me that everything looked good, but they wanted to do another blood test the next week 8-21 to ensure that my levels had increased appropriately.

I went in Tuesday and expected another early morning phone call on Wednesday. Wednesday came and went and I hadn't heard anything. So, here I am just over 5 weeks pregnant wondering why I haven't heard from my Dr. So, Thursday early afternoon I call to see if my results are in. After what felt like forever I got a call from my nurse who told me that my levels had risen appropriately, but that my progesterone (a vital hormone for pregnancy) was only about half of what they expected it to be. Insert Holly and Chris freaking out, particularly because in May when I miscarried my progesterone was extremely low.

So, here I was on Thursday, 8-23, ready to write a post about how this part of pregnancy is, in some ways, the looooooooongest, because you don't "really" look or feel pregnant yet and it is a waiting game. As soon as I got the news about my progesterone all of that went out the window. I could no longer think about that.

There is a rational part of me that knows that I should be positive and not panic, but then there is another part of me that realizes this could end in a devastating outcome, because if I lose another baby I will be devastated. It's hard enough right now to keep my head up on a daily basis and nothing has happened yet, but to lose another little one would break my heart. 

I don't know how to get through the next few weeks as I wait to see what will happen. I won't have blood work done or see my midwife until September 13th. I hope I make it there.

7 Days Later...

It has been a week since I found out that I am pregnant. Since then I have pretty much told the world. I thought a lot about waiting, but honestly I was so excited that I didn't think that I could keep it in any longer! I was never cautious when I was pregnant with Lilli, Hope or Jacob. I told everyone right away, but in May when I found out I was pregnant I became very cautious about telling people. In my mind I knew that it was something different for me. I think my intuition was keenly aware that it wasn't going to last. So, when Chris and I decided to start trying again I told myself that when I became pregnant again I would throw caution to the wind and let it out right away. I realize that something could still happen. I know that I could have just told everyone and be hurt if I lose this baby, but I've decided that this baby, no matter how long or short of a life it has ahead of it, deserves to be praised as the blessing that it is.

 I am determined to be excited until I have a reason not to be excited. This is not to say that I don't have my concerns. I worry, but I am trying to be positive. I've taken about 8 pregnancy tests, which keep getting darker, which makes me feel better. I went on Tuesday, August 14th to have blood work done. So far my hormone levels are where they are supposed to be. My midwife, Jonnie, wants to recheck my levels next week to be sure that they continue to go up. Until then all of my fingers and toes will be crossed and I will be saying lots of prayers.

It's been a while...

In May I found out I was pregnant. I was very excited and happily expecting #4. Unfortunately at 6.5 weeks (5-24-12) I miscarried our little angel. Chris and I were devastated. The whole experience was unforgettable and more difficult than I would have imagined it to be. At the appointment that was supposed to be my 8 week check up (my first OB appointment) Chris and I went in to discuss our options for moving forward. My Midwife strongly suggested that I allow my body to fully heal itself by waiting for 2 monthly cycles before getting pregnant again. I was very disappointed at the prospect of waiting that long, but I wanted to do what was best for our family. I wanted to give myself the best chance of getting pregnant and staying pregnant. So, Chris and I made the decision to listen to our Midwife and wait. Luckily my first period came right on time about 4 weeks after the miscarriage, which gave us a good idea as to when we would be able to start trying again.

One month passed as we busied ourselves with summer activities. Then before we knew it the second month passed and it was time to try again. We were determined not to put too much pressure on ourselves and to not make it a stressful thing. So, we didn't talk about trying. We didn't talk about when it was time. We just let nature take its course.

I'll be honest, I tried so hard to be patient. I tried so hard not to stress myself out about if I was or was not pregnant, and for the most part I was successful. I was resigned to be happy with whatever the outcome. Despite the logical side of me that knows that its best to wait to take a test until you miss your period or at the very least right before you miss your period I wanted to take one as soon as the box said it was possible to get a positive. So, on 8-7 I convinced myself to take a test.....of course it being 6 days before my period it was NEGATIVE.... I was ok. I figured it would be. I allowed myself to take one on 8-8, because 5 days before didn't seem too terribly early, and of course it was again negative. I made myself wait until this morning, 8-9 4 days before my missed period.

So, this morning I popped out of bed. Rushed to the bathroom and waited for my results. At first it looked very negative, but then I looked closer with my Sherlock Holmes eye and there was the faintest of faint lines. In that moment I knew. I must have looked at that test 100 times trying to convince myself that I wasn't imagining that I saw the second line. I knew I wasn't crazy. I knew what it meant. I knew that I saw it. So, I told Chris, and about 4 hours after I took the first test I took another. After only 4 hours the line got darker and was definitely there! Definitely visible!!!

So, today I am PREGNANT!!! And I am so excited. I have never felt more blessed. I know that it's early, and that I need to be careful, because things could still go wrong, but today I have decided not to stress myself out about things I can't control and just enjoy every minute that I am allowed to enjoy the blessing that is this 5th pregnancy, and hopefully baby #4!!!!!